I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
