my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
