the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
