fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
