I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
