Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
