You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
