dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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