I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
