I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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