It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
