How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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