she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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