I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Text me some of your sweat
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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