There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize