i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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