Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
