I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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