Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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