so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Randomize