I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
