found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
