Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
