I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize