My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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