There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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