My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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