Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
