Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
