3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
