The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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