Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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