Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
