I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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