if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm sobbing to NWA
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
