guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize