Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
