there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
