whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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