i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
