well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
