What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Sober January is a disaster.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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