I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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