well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
