One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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