What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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