I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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