Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Randomize
