I wannas sexs uuuuu
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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