I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Everyone says I win the strip club
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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