You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
