Kiss
Puke
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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