I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i drank out of a bidet.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
