rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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