dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
