she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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