Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
