She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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