My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
