A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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