my phone needs a breathalizer
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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