I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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