Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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