i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
