I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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