i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
