Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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